Farting Around with Zombies

"Daddy?" Mike licked his fingers before grabbing his big boy spoon. "What's a vegetarian?"

Abner chuckled, "A starving zombie."


Abner looked at his son's serious face. When did his little monkey change into this studious inquisitor? He stopped laughing and gave his son an answer suitable for a six year-old.

"Oh. Suzie told us that we would all evolve and stop eating animals." Mike dug into his Froot Loops. "Will we still be able to eat hotdogs?"

Abner rolled his eyes theatrically. "That Suzie just wants everyone to look like a giraffe so she won't stand out. Her big head must put a giant strain on that scrawny neck. I'll tell you what, kiddo. You and me, we're carnivals. We have fun eating meat!"

Mike giggled, much to Abner's relief. The conversation dissipated into a random babble of soccer practice, sour milk and pizza for dinner. Abner had no idea just how much Suzie had infected his son ...

Ten Years Later

"Dad?" Mike sipped herbal tea, while his father gnawed on a t-bone. "What does carminative mean?"

Abner nearly choked. "It's a fart-inhibitor, son! Has Suzie been in your ear about carnivores, again? What a dork!"

"Hey, hey! That is my girlfriend we're talking about. She is too delicate to say things like you do. She was trying to get me to eat a caper a day for its carminative benefits." Despite his stern tone, Mike smiled at his father.

"A sprinkle a daaaaay....", Abner's off-key sing-song trailed away. He got up, tried to fasten his belt and gave up. As he mounted the stairs to hit the bathroom, he intoned, "Listen, Mike, you like meat, I like meat. Just eat what you want and fart when you have to. We're animals. Women expect no less than gross behavior from us. Trying to prevent nature from acting is like spinning records backwards - the devil comes out."

Mike shrugged. "I dunno. I will try them. She picked up a dozen bottles from the GNC surplus bin."

"Suit yourself, kiddo. Hey, guess what? In high school, I failed chemistry, but passed gas! How is that even possible?"

Mike burst out laughing. "You're so stupid."

Copyright © 2016 by Mitchell Allen

Originally appeared on CreativeCopyChallenge #449.